what can you say to someone who is dying of cancer
On Dec 17, 2013 I went to the ER for what I presumed was walking pneumonia (every bit a doctor, I'yard good at misdiagnosing myself) only to find out I had a giant tumor in my breast that could have killed me within weeks. Immediately I was admitted to the hospital and started on chemotherapy for Stage IV Acute Lymphoblastic T-Prison cell Lymphoma.
Over the post-obit months I experienced a whirlwind of physical and emotional changes. The treatment became increasingly arduous, and I lost the ability to perform even elementary functions, including working, driving, preparing food, and running errands. At 31 years one-time, I thought anyone taking away my independence would be prying it from my common cold, expressionless hands. Unfortunately, that was almost the case.
Thankfully, I had a community of supporters -- family, coworkers, friends -- who stepped up and took care of me when I needed it most.
When a person start gets a cancer diagnosis, they're ofttimes so overwhelmed they have no idea how to ask for help or what to ask for -- just they certain need it. If you have a friend or family member with cancer you desire to help, don't make the mistake of making a vague, questionably-sincere offer "Well, call me when you need me!" (they won't).
Instead, brand your friend'south life easier past anticipating his or her needs and giving tangible, much-needed support. Here is a listing of the tiptop favors people did for me that fabricated my day (and made my life much easier!) after my cancer diagnosis.
ane. Deliver a meal. Make sure to ask in advance if they have any dietary restrictions or are post-obit any guidelines. Stay for a visit, or only drop off the food if they're not up for it (a cooler left outside the forepart door is perfect for this).
2. Evangelize a Tupperware of several pre-fabricated meals your friend can estrus up as needed. Employ Tupperware y'all don't need returned.
three. Transport a quick email, text, or message saying yous're thinking of them.
4. Add "No need to respond" to the end of your message -- they'll appreciate hearing from you without feeling the need to do anything in return.
5. Add together "Feel free to take me up on this offer whenever" when y'all offer help -- they'll know the offer will still be sincere whenever they need it (in a week, a month, a yr).
half dozen. Set up a calendar alert reminding y'all to check in with a quick how-do-you-do or offer of help on a regular basis.
7. Send a text the next time you're at the grocery store and ask if they'd like you to pick anything upwardly.
eight. Transport a text the next fourth dimension you lot're at the drugstore to run into if they need any toiletries.
ix. Send a housekeeper to make clean upward their place. Take care of the details so they just need to be there to open the door.
x. Transport a text the next time you're at the pharmacy to see if they need any prescriptions picked upward.
11. Transport a mobile masseuse for a gift massage.
12. Offering to take them out for a coffee or dejeuner date.
xiii. Offering to visit. Bank check that they're feeling up for it.
xiv. Offer to take them out to a motion-picture show. If they're too tired, come by with a rental.
15. Offer a ride to chemo and keep them company during the handling. Fifty-fifty better, commit to giving a ride on a regular basis throughout their treatments.
16. Allow them know you're "on telephone call" for emergencies. Hateful it.
17. Send a flower commitment. However, brand certain the person isn't on neutropenic precautions first; fresh flowers can exist an infection run a risk for cancer patients with weakened allowed systems. Sadly, I had to requite away the many wonderful bloom deliveries I got right afterward my diagnosis. Or, consider silk flowers (no worries near causing infection, and they concluding longer).
eighteen. Order take-out and have it delivered. Ask if they have a favorite restaurant. If they seem too overwhelmed to make any decisions, merely go a sense of their dietary preferences and selection out a prissy repast to transport.
19. Souvenir a magazine or newspaper subscription.
20. Gift a good book.
21. Tell them you love and care about them. Fifty-fifty if they don't have the energy to respond, your bulletin means a lot.
22. For your lady cancer friend, accept her out to a nice beauty treatment. Think: manicure/pedicure, facial, makeup application, etc. It may be the get-go time she'southward splurged on her appearance in a while.
23. Send a carte du jour. Make sure information technology'due south legible -- cancer eyes are tired optics :-)
24. Gift an Uber or Lyft gift document if you're non available to offer a ride. I'thousand a huge fan of Uber.
25. If you're a close friend or family member to the cancer patient, offering to be a "indicate person" where you lot screen and accept/turn down others' visit and help offers. Right after a diagnosis there are many who want to assistance and visit and call, just the person with cancer is probably extremely overwhelmed at this time and may prefer some space.
26. Understand that a cancer patient is likely too overwhelmed to inquire what they need; take the initiative by offering specifics, instead of maxim, "Let me know if there's annihilation I can do for you."
27. Call back to nevertheless exist there a few months afterward the diagnosis, when it's not then new anymore. The fanfare will have died down, only your friend will still be struggling and needing logistical and emotional aid.
28. Offer to exist the "communication person" that updates others about your friend's state of wellness; information technology tin get difficult to have to share the details over and over.
29. On that note, when you check in, don't always ask for all the details about the current state of your friend's health.
thirty. Does your friend have a canis familiaris? Offer to come past and take them for a walk or to the groomers.
31. Does your friend have kids? Offering to babysit, do a school pick-upwardly, or have them over for a sleepover.
32. Say, "Give me a task." Maybe it will exist laundry, or an errand, or picking upwardly groceries. Be in and out. No socializing needed.
33. Does your friend have a garden? Offer to come past and practise some watering and care. Even better, commit to taking over the watering regularly.
34. Text or email a silly joke or photograph.
35. Offer to help your friend sift through and respond to emails; later a cancer diagnosis the number of emails can exist overwhelming and important ones tin get lost in the shuffle.
36. Offer to create and manage a schedule for the person: for meal deliveries, rides to chemo, visits from friends, etc. Websites like takethemameal.com and lotsahelpinghands.com tin can help.
37. If you can, and your friend feels comfortable accepting it, give some cash -- between infirmary bills and the loss of income if 1 can't work, cancer can be a huge financial hit.
38. Donate money to encompass paid-time-off hours for the patient or close family members (some employers permit this).
39. Buy a monthly parking pass for family members when the patient has a prolonged hospitalization -- hospital parking gets expensive!
40. Gift a hat, wig, or scarf if your friend will lose her hair with treatment.
41. Gift a super comfy blanket. This was one of my favorite and nigh-used gifts (good for burrow lounging or trips to chemo).
42. Just listen. Don't requite advice, don't try to be cheery -- just listen and let your buddy talk.
43. Enquire what they demand from y'all most right at present... and then do it.
44. Cancer isn't contagious -- requite your friend a hug to let them know you're on their side.
Elana Miller, Physician is a psychiatrist passionate about integrating Eastern Wisdom with Western medicine to help people live happier and fuller lives. She writes at her blog Zen Psychiatry. To hear more about her cancer journey and get more than tips for how to deal with a cancer diagnosis, download her complimentary Cancer Quick-Start Guide hither.
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Photograph by author, Elana Miller Md
Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/living-with-cancer_b_5660514
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